New sensations

The nerve pain I've been feeling in my butt and legs seem to be indication of other things going on in my body lately. It started out with a raging UTI. The nerve pain in my lower extremities was so intense! Like fire and ice! I knew something was up, so I had the doc check my urine just 'cause 9 times out of 10...

More recently, around routine time my butt really began to burn so I asked the nurse to check me. I had pooped a hard, fist sized turd! Now that would obviously cause some pain! After that, I notice that every time I get stimulated and begin to move my bowels, my nerve pain goes away. It's like a warm wave of goodness and I feel so relaxed. It's the relief of me moving my bowels! I can also feel when someone rigorously stimulates me during routine. I can't feel their actual finger, but I feel something. It's hard to explain. It's a new sensation I'm feeling and I have no idea what it means in terms of return of feeling. I still can't feel on the surface nor have I gained function in my hands, legs, or torso so it doesn't mean much but it is strange and worth noting.

I started therapy again downstairs since I've been so weak. I've lost a lot of weight so my father has been feeding me any way he can! I'm working hard and tired most days. Outside is less appealing. I miss my Ithaca fall time: walking through leaves, the warmth of staying in and only occasionally hitting the porch. That was a different life ago and although I miss it's simplicity, I was very lonely for my family then. Ah well. Here's to another hibernation. Drink some scotch for me!

Autumn changes...

I got a hair cut finally!! I need to take a picture and post it. I used Hopey's pic you see on the blog page. Hot bitch! Plus, it's easier to have it short, I like it short. I even waxed my eye brows--gasp! the women convinced me. Wasn't bad at all. It looks good! I'm not comfortable in hair salons around here. Everyone speaks spanish and you don't know what's going on. I understand some but they get on that rapid fire tip... I just wanted to make sure she knew what I wanted and was going to follow through. It worked out well.

I'm also out of bed more which is good. I put my foot down and demanded to get treated for the UTI. The nerve pain has subsided somewhat and I can sit up in bed.

I discovered that my asthmatic symptoms are actually indication of more stenosis. When I push the tube slightly down, my breathing clears AND my voice gets louder!!! My initial instinct was correct and once again, I'm having visions of ringing Dr. Weiser's neck. I called to schedule a broncoscopy and his assistant scheduled an office visit so we can "discuss options." I don't want to lolly gag at another office visit, have my insurance pay a couple hundred dollars for him to do nothing. So I'm making an appt. with maass gen again for a bronc. if Dr. Weasel can't get his shite together.

I feel like I'm in the ark, begging God to say "you can come out now!" After Richie's message on Genesis 8, the humanity of the situation gave me clarity. It was crazy to believe there would be a flood coming, to build a big ass ark. Then to stay in that ark with all those animals! I'm sure it stank, I'm sure there were arguments. But it took much patience before they could safely leave the ark.

Right now I feel like I'm in a cramped, stinking ark wanting to jump onto land before it's really dry but God hasn't called me yet. God is slowly making moves though. I just have to keep praying and keep focused. This is so hard. My breathing has improved but I'm weak in the chair. My posture is terrible, my nerve pain has gotten worse. My bahind is on fire! I'm sick of being fed pills day in and day out! Waking up in this condition is the worst. The burning sensation starts up right away and I'm reminded of my condition. I'm trying to think of how my life will be once I can leave here, away from any institution.

And this is the light version! Those who know me, know how I would usually dish it. Especially when it comes to people! It takes every ounce of will power... you wouldn't believe the stupidity, the greed, the audacity. But then, there are the gems. People working here who are absolutely selfless, dependable, true servants of the trade.

This weekend I spent most my time in bed because of nerve pain. I'm almost sure it's because of a UTI at this point. I had the doctors check my urine and blood just in case. I tried going out sunday for a hair cut but had to turn around. The only way to relieve it is to lay on my side. I even take percocet which only relaxes the pain enough for me to rest. So I haven't been up to too much. But I did get a lot done at the doctor's office, getting my flu shot, filling out medical forms, getting much needed referrals. Tomorrow, I go to an allergist and I may have to see the urologist again but all this is necessary to maintain my health, whatever is left of it!

I got caught up with my case and things are coming along. Nothing surprises me, people's testimonies speak exactly how I pinned it all along. Their accusations hold no weight and regardless of their positions they with suffer greatly for what happened to me. Period.

Psalm 25

A lot has been going while I've been recovering from the surgery at Mass General. One, it's obvious that I'm up against much spiritual warfare and I have to use serious discernment. Serious. Two, I have a lot more to plan for the future so more of my energy has been moving in that direction. Where do I want to be? Certainly not in this part of the Bronx! I need to be close to my doctor, my parents, amenities, but I don't want to be too crammed in. I have no idea how to choose property, etc, so I need a little help from my friends... It's hard to think about owning a house a year or so from now when I've never been able to own anything. It's inevitable but I still can't wrap my mind around it. My parents aren't poor anymore but they live in the same neighborhoods, paying off debts with the hopes of accruing enough for a down payment somewhere better.

Having a taste of the ER reminded me of why I don't like the idea of living smack in the city. A part of me says "plan an escape route, keep north!" But I have to remember what brought me here and no circumstance is greater than the God I serve. I can't help but to be reminded of scripture, that we are increasingly in the last days. People say, "well, there's always been sickness and war.." No, there has not. And I'm sure my young generation alone has seen enough wars, increase in STDs, diseases, mass murder, and natural disasters to say somethin's up.

To pass my time here and keep my mind biblically grounded, I've been searching out Christian Hip Hop or "Holy Hip Hop." I found a site called Rapzilla that reviews albums and even lets you download some songs. Finding stuff I liked was difficult (much like secular hip hop) so I consulted with someone from the church. His highest recommendations was labels Reach Records, lampmode, and cross movement. I'll post a mix soon, but top artists on the list are Hazakim, Lacrae, Shai linne, Stephen the Levite, and Kaboose. This is new territory for me so there's still lots for me to explore! This is not to say that I still don't enjoy a lot my old music. I will always love the Smiths (sigh). But I recognize that the closer I grow to Christ, the farther I grow from the world and it's a good thing. I'm not captive to a lot of the world since the accident and that has been a blessing. I'm not captive to cigarettes or alcohol, or loneliness, or wondering what my purpose is. I now know what real love is. I see the decaying of humanity and the earth and truth of God's word unfolding. Sometimes it's baby steps across a stream and sometimes I feel like I'm jumping in the ocean. I really like my "Deez nutz" shirt. Watching "Robot Chicken" was my guilty pleasure. But I haven't turned on the television in 2 weeks. All I think about is seeking God's word and knowing who He wants me to serve next. That's better than fulfilling my own desires. Not to say that I won't be tempted but it's part of the walk. The biggest challenge right now is giving people a piece of my mind "Nicky style" if anyone has heard that and now that I have my voice back it's more tempting. If there's one thing I can't handle is people trying to pull one over on me. So please pray for me on that front! Self-control, wisdom, discernment, guidance, deliverance.

It's time

Tonight's the last night before heading out to Boston and quite honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. I'm thinking I want to eat steak--medium rare. My dad will prob. pick it up from the Greek diner down the block. Stec suggested Jake's in Riverdale, but when I looked into it, it still would have been a trek on bus and train. Apparently the owner got convicted of cheating the city $525,000 in tax dollars this past April. Crazy.

Richie and Solomon came by with pizza and hung out for a while, it was a blessing! We talked about all sorts of things and I shared my nervousness about Boston. I don't like not knowing how I'm going to wake up. And quite honestly, I'm tired of throat surgery. I'm tired of this trach nonsense. But I have to do this if I'm going to get rid of this thing. This isn't even the worst of it. This is small potatoes. So I submit myself again and I have faith things will be for God's glory. I have done so much already! We prayed and I'm really not shaking in my boots. I just want it over with. I'm anticipating the warmer, more professional care at Mass General and the quick recovery.

I was hoping to have some time to visit Spaulding rehabilitation center before I checked into my room but I don't think that's going to happen. Fooey! I really wanted an opportunity to check out another SCI rehab site but it's hard when I'm imprisoned here. Ah well.

So 6:30 is my time of departure. I will not be a happy camper! One has to be very cautious waking me up that early...

What a world! What a world!

So I've immersed myself in rapidshare communities and now I'm in this lonely space between being neo and jedi master. I've been "rapidsharing" ever since my friend let me in on it last summer when I got my computer. Basically, it's people uploading files (wether music, video, or other) onto a server run by a German company, obtaining a link for it and then giving the link to others to download either for free or by paid subscription for a faster speed. I think I first downloaded Jimi Hendrix' Blues album and got slowly hooked from there.

It's cumbersome to download movies for my CPU speed and space it's perfect for music here and there and I do love uploading files as long as it's not over my 5 Gigabyte internet down/upload limit. I've been uploading music mixes and DVD rips but my circle of peeps have been unresponsive so far, and I have the feeling they are not into rapidshare, since none of them share links. There are a few, though, that are mac geeks, linux programmers, and java junkies that know the deal and probably run some of the sites I'm on!

I started with RapidFind.(apparently the first rapidshare forum) I was hoping to learn the ropes of uploading and downloading larger files on a mac while be embraced by a cozy international community. I was respectfully, yet sternly, reminded to "code" my links and edit my signature. I had trouble downloading rapid uploader for mac and could not get any results. Finally, I just resorted to finding another community *sniff, sniff* I remember downloading Ironbutterfly from Katz forums and liked the layout so I registered there. By then, I finished uploading a DVD and decided to post it. All went well, with no chastising afterwards! very cool forum, no snobbery. So if you don't know what rapidshare is, get on the beat train! Not saying you should be an addict but at least be in the know. check out www.whatisrapidshare.com

I borrowed a really bad copy of "knowing" from Jonathan just because I've been really wanting to see it. Something about numbers predicting disasters and eventually the end of the world... interesting and creepy but most definitely conflicting. Physicist, recently widowed with a son, son of a preacher. Anyway (spoiler!) at the end of the movie, his son is "saved" by angelic aliens from the firey tribulation about to take place on Earth that was prophesied. Meanwhile, physicist, played by Nicholas Cage, is not a believer in God but suddenly goes to reunite with his pastor father, mother and sister before being obliterated by excess sun flares. It ends with him saying, "this isn't the end," meaning, we're going to heaven after this. What's missing here? What are the requirements for getting into heaven? Obviously, his father believes Jesus is that requirement but he is a skeptic. The crazy woman who heard voices 50 yrs. ago and prophesied the disasters with numbers-not the scriptures-read the bible but did not speak of Jesus, spoke of the end of the world which is not scriptural. I wouldn't mind so much if was at least original and intelligent but I saw right through it and it was unenjoyable. It was all around a unoriginal mess of a movie.

The best movie I've rented so far has been Miracle at St. Anna, so if you haven't seen it, I suggest you do so. It's about a valuable remnant of an Italian church destroyed by the Nazis that traces back to the travels of a black platoon in WWII getting separated in Italy. Multi-faceted, makes you want to see it a few times to catch the details. Why it did not win an Oscar, begins in C-O-N and ends with SPIRACY. That's all I'll say about that.

Stay tuned for the next podcast, me and JHood (Jonathan) will probably just smack talk about life here. Peace.

More steps of faith

So far, exercising has been good. I invested in a protein shake recommended from the care cure site but haven't noticed any changes as of yet. it has only been 2 weeks. Make sure to check out the latest podcast episode located on the right. Interesting music mix. For those who don't understand why I speak in this strange robotic voice, I have tracheal stenosis and so air cannot pass through the vocal cords. I use a device that vibrates the cords for me, thus producing sound. I will be going to Mass general in Boston on Aug 5 for a different kind of tracheostomy tube and then will go back for a resection surgery. I am very scared but I must move forward and trust that God works all things for good no matter how much we dislike it.

Despite the hardships I have been blessed in many ways. I've been able to see my own short sightedness on some issues, my own selfishness. Through my own suffering I am able to truly have compassion. Most of all, I can honestly say I know who my God is and that is Jesus Christ who is a true historical person who fulfilled prophesies, performed miracles and made claim to his divinity in typical Jewish fashion. Too often, people are putting doubt on the divinity of Christ because of comparisons of mythological gods which have no real bearings and have no real evidence to back up assertions for their claims. Everyone at some point needs to face the fact that there is a God. If so, why aren't we seeking him? Then there's the question of why Jesus? Don't all religions basically teach the same thing? No they don't! They are very different particularly in the nature of God and what our goals as human beings are. No other religion has the the historical, archeological, extra biblical and theological evidence to support it. It was one thing to feel it in my being, but how was I to answer questions about my faith? How was I to look to God for answers, to trust his word? All of a sudden, all the ugly past Christian mishaps came back and although what I experienced on that roof was real, how did it fit with the Book called the Bible? I mentioned in a post some time ago that I began reading about David, abraham and Moses again and although they were the "heroes" of the Bible, that they too, made mistakes, had doubts, were afraid, were angry with God, didn't always do what he asked. But through it all, God was faithful. He kept his word. Another thing I noticed was that throughout the Bible, God has shown to operate through his word. From the very beginning, he created with a word, complex worlds with complex organisms and biosystems. He he healed just by saying you are healed, spoke easily of what was really in people's hearts and no malice passed from his lips. To have this consistently in books by many authors over a period of 1500 years is a staggering amount of proof that God's word accomplishes what he sets it out to do, regardless of how much we mess up or try to cast doubt on it.

Now don't get me wrong, I didn't come to this conclusion easily. After all, we want to do what we want to do, right? I have a friend who's a priest and everyone's "cool" that he's a priest as long as he's not trying to tell them that Jesus is their Lord and Savior. But if you had important information about life after death, wouldn't you want to let your close friends in on it?

This is the reality of the situation: The time we are in now is the time predicted in scripture that God will reveal himself soon and will judge the nations. We are all sinners. But Christ who is sinless died for us so that we can be righteous before God when judgement comes. Take the time to read the Gospel. Here is a great DVD called All roads do not lead to God by Christian Apologist, Charlie Campell:

http://rapidshare.com/files/252821473/All_roads.zip.001

http://rapidshare.com/files/252839518/All_roads.zip.002

http://rapidshare.com/files/252855486/All_roads.zip.003

http://rapidshare.com/files/252983590/All_roads.zip.004

http://rapidshare.com/files/253127211/All_roads.zip.005

http://rapidshare.com/files/253258410/All_roads.zip.006

http://rapidshare.com/files/253266821/All_roads.zip.007

http://rapidshare.com/files/253434844/All_roads.zip.008

http://rapidshare.com/files/258063463/All_roads.zip.009

If you're not into rapidshare, I suggest just going to the website, www.alwaysbeready.com and browsing their store or helpful articles. If you find the video helpful, I would urge you to pass it along. Here are other resources:

www.bethinking.org

www.rzim.org

www.carm.org