Review: Secret thoughts of an unlikely convert

The issue of homosexuality and the church has been very prominent in the news again lately and it hasn't been pretty. There are many from the church that are really bigoted against gays or have abandoned what the scriptures say about homosexuality in order to "embrace" the gay community. Jesus could embrace the sinner without condoning the sin (John 4:17-18; John 8:10-11; Luke 19:5-10). Most notable is the controversy surrounding the Catholic Church and most recently, the closing of Exodus, International, a Christian gay conversion therapy organization. I would argue that these organizations are not Christian, as they have strayed from the teachings of Christ. Not that there aren't Catholics that are truly born again, but I would challenge any Catholic to demonstrate the biblical foundation for Catholic dogma such as mass, infant baptism, the infallibility of the pope or the idolization of Mary, the mother of Jesus. To be Christian is to follow Christ, and to follow Christ is to follow His Word (Psalm 56:10; 119:50; John 1:1; 6:63; 8:31; 8:37, 8:51; 15:4). We can do a whole study on this but I'm sure you get my point. My foundation for my worldview and all things Christian are the scriptures.

I recently came across a testimony from a woman on Desiring God. Rosaria Champagne-Butterfield earned a PhD in queer theory, owning property with her long time partner and being a public advocate for queer issues. Through research on the Bible and the religious right, she slowly made steps to give up her homosexuality and follow Jesus. Intrigued and curious about her spiritual journey, I decided to read her book, "the secret thoughts of an unlikely convert."

Like me, her conversion was a multifaceted process. Unlike me, she didn't know the Lord before, nor was she seeking the Lord. The Word of God drew her in, and as she described, "became bigger than me." It started when a local pastor wrote her a letter challenging her presuppositions. It wasn't hostile but haunted her as she could not answer his questions.

I've been asking my secular friends these questions and I get nothing but evasion tactics. "How do you know that's true? Can you show where it says that in the Bible? Where do your get your notion of rights apart from God?" Their reticence reveals that they don't know why they believe what they believe and they have a poor understanding of the Bible and what Christians believe. I find even those who grew up in a Christian home have a poor understanding of Christianity. They were not truly born again spiritually nor did they read the Bible. They went through the motions of sitting in church or learning the Bible as "stories" without connecting it to history. Indeed, the Bible is comprised of documents that accurately identify people, places and events.

Rosaria Champagne-Butterfield writes an honest testimony that beckons straights, gays, Christians and non-Christians alike. She rightfully accuses the Church of alienating the queer community and gives clear biblical reasons why one needs to turn from the homosexual lifestyle to follow Christ. The key to opening her heart to the truth of the Gospel was Pastor Ken and his wife's approach in dialogue:

Ken and Floy did something at the meal that has a long Christian history but has been functionally lost in too many Christian homes. Ken and Floy invited the stranger in--not to scapegoat me, but to listen and to dialogue…Ken and Floy didn't identify with me. They listened to me and identified with Christ. Pg. 295

Of course, this doesn't mean the dialogue was always smooth sailing. The Gospel is offensive to people because it exposes the fact that we are not "good people." We are all guilty of breaking God's law and equally deserving of God's wrath (Psalm 14:1-3; Jeremiah 17:9; Proverbs 21:2; Proverbs 30:12; Psalm 36:2; Luke 18:11). Rosaria came out of that encounter asking herself the most important questions: "Does God exist? If God exists what does he expect from me? How do I communicate with him? How do I know him and what he wants? What if God is dead? Do I have the courage to face the truth either way?" (Butterfield, pg. 304, emphasis mine). Like Rosaria, I am the product of Post-modern academia, the philosophy that there is no absolute truth. Truth is subjective, identity is subjective. Never mind that this idea is self-refuting (via the law of non-contradiction), the goal is for people to believe what they want to believe wether it's true or not. Rosaria's acknowledgement that there is in fact absolute truth led to honest soul searching and I hope that anyone who reads this is willing to do that. Ask yourself: "is truth independent of what I believe or feel?" If so, how is truth knowable?" One of my favorite apologists, Sye Ten Bruggencate, engages people solely with truth claims or the presuppositions that undergird people's beliefs. His most adamant contenders are college youth who assert "no one can know anything."  This is a direct result of our education system today that tells us our experience determines truth and that no one can really know anything. This is in itself, a truth claim and therefore proves itself false.  To add fuel to the fire, these same people that assert no one can know truth are adamant in asserting that the Bible is not true! In accusing Christians of being 'judgmental,' they themselves are being judgmental. Such is the folly of refusing God's truth.

It took 2 years of searching the scriptures and her own heart before Rosaria considered stepping inside a church. Please note: church does not save you. God did a work on her heart before being a church member. Rosaria confronts scripture's stance on homosexuality She prayed from her heart that if Jesus was in fact the risen Lord that he change her heart and shape her into the woman He wanted her to be. This is that faith the size of a mustard seed that enables one to come to God admit we need his help to change:

I prayed for the strength of character to repent for a sin that at that time didn't feel like sin at all--it felt like life, plain and simple. I prayed that if my life was actually his life, that he would take it back and make it what he wanted it to be. I asked him to take it all: my sexuality, my profession, my community, my tastes, my books and my tomorrows. (Butterfield, pg. 485)

I similarly surrendered my identity to Christ, all the while admitting not wanting to change! The truth of God's word became bigger than my lesbian identity and I took a step of faith to obey him regardless of how I felt. I often have to revisit this truth regarding all sin. We have all sorts of inclinations but that doesn't mean we should do them, even when no one is looking.

I highly recommend this book for those who are seeking the truth, Christians who are unsure about how to minister to the queer community and for those in the queer community who are genuinely interested in the testimony of a person who lived a homosexual lifestyle.

  

Tracheostomy update

I recently spent four days in the hospital to try decanulation. Monday they removed the trach and I hastily posted a picture of my taped up stoma on facebook! But I didn't feel like I was breathing well, despite having an oxygen saturation (SpO2) of 99% Sure enough, they scoped me and found a polyp in my windpipe where the trach was. Wednesday in the OR they also found much scar tissue where the stoma is, making me feel like I was breathing through a straw. 

Needless to say, they did a lot of work opening the windpipe and I will go back in 3 months to see if there's more "excavation" to be done, or if I can safely be decanulated. Keep me in prayer. 

A thing that I notice about the hospital in contrast to the nursing home is that people are much more considerate. It's not the actual people, who are far more diverse, but how the floor is managed. You can tell the hospital staff is trained to knock gently on the door--what a concept! Here, people just come right in or knock like Con Edison coming to check your meters first thing in the morning! Nursing home staff are so used to working with severely disabled, institutionalized people that you just become another body to clean. Your body parts become inanimate objects that need to be moved out the way to get the job done. I hope the increasing number of young people in nursing homes will prompt change in how service is delivered and the ratio of staff to patients. 

Don't waste your life! In light of the George Zimmerman case

Please don't get it twisted! I do not follow Jesus because I tragically fell off a roof and need to find meaning in it. I follow Jesus because His Word is alive and grabbed hold of me.

I rarely think about the accident but recently thought of my former co-workers. How have their lives been affected by my accident? Do they know Jesus?

This country is on edge waiting for the verdict of the George Zimmerman trial. Regardless of the outcome, two things are certain. One, Trayvon Martin is dead and cannot choose Christ. His eternal destiny is sealed. Two, George Zimmerman is alive and so has an opportunity to repent and choose Christ. According to the atheist worldview, our lives are just random occurrence, therefore the notion of justice is absurd.  

When challenged on the issue of injustice in Luke 13, Jesus responded: "Do you suppose that these Galileans were worse sinners than all [other] Galileans, because they suffered such things? "I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish. "Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them, do you think that they were worse sinners than all [other] men who dwelt in Jerusalem? "I tell you, no; but unless you repent you will all likewise perish." In other words, we are all equally deserving of death.

God created us and has the right to take our life in any way. I know that seems incredibly unfair, and I too have been challenged by this. Job struggled with this even after recognizing that God had the right to take his children (Job 1:18-21). God did not respond with the whys, but with asking Job how dare he question the God who created everything? In his suffering, Job learned amazing truths about God that he probably wouldn't have had he not suffered. Such has been my experience.

Elizabeth Eliot drew my attention to Psalm 16:5 "The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot." and 1 Timothy 6:15, Jesus being the only sovereign, the blessed controller of all things.

On monday, I go to St. Luke's Roosevelt to be decanulized (trach free!) I am more nerve racked than excited. If there is anything I want people to get out of my experience is to evaluate their lives in light of Christ and to prepare for that time when they will stand before him. I'm praying for George Zimmerman to be saved. I'm praying for my old co-workers and friends to know Jesus and be saved. Nothing else matters.

On the porch of life

I miss porches. Living upstate, I lived in houses with porches. I didn't have to worry about crazy people or stray bullets. I could sit outside with my morning coffee or evening wine and enjoy my community. Say hi to neighbors. Listen to birds or crickets chirp. Contemplate over blossoming trees or falling leaves. My favorite was an enclosed porch that allowed discreet observation. A back "porch" fire escape allowed for even more discreet conversations. Granted, there were things I did I shouldn't have, but I still long for the peace of mind this environment gave. I'm hoping to get a bit of that back. I see my self enjoying the vibrant green of house plants and soothing cups of tea. Quiet time in the Word or hospitality with neighbors. Maybe even a pet! I realize how much I live vicariously through my friends with pets! I never thought twice to care for them as my own. Caring for animals probably gives me the most joy. But even with all of this, life isn't going to be magically delicious. I still can't walk or hold things as I could. I can't play guitar anymore. I live with horrendous nerve pain. Even a perfect body is in the process of death. Sickness and suffering is inevitable. Just go to a nursing home and the reality will hit you.

The apostle James said, "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." Everything good comes from God! Every bit of sunshine, water, life and breath. Laughter, wisdom, the joy of children. Everything that grows and sustains us, all come from God's providence. Our biggest problem in this country is that although God's goodness is obvious, we do not praise him and give thanks (Romans 1:21). Instead, we glorify ourselves as god. Make no mistake, God is still on the throne. I have been on the precipice of this life and eternity and God was very merciful, letting me live this way. I want to use the brief time I have here to put the spotlight back on him! I want to share the joy of knowing that this life is brief but eternity of perfection is only with Jesus Christ the Messiah, the prophesied king of Israel!

Yes, there are things I look forward to but most of all being with the Lord. Give thanks to the one who makes everything possible. Seek him while he may be found.  

What about now?

I'm still enjoying tea. I recently turned 33. Things with my trach are still going fairly well. I have some  granulation tissue above the fenestra so my doctors want to put in a button trach soon. We'll see how it goes. It's hard for me to plan definitively too far in the future after all I've been through and continue to go through in this condition. As pastor J.D. of Calvary Chapel Kaneohe says, "I have plans, but my plans don't have me."

This place is full of hostility and I look forward to the time I can leave.  But there's so many whom I've grown to love that must continue to endure here. How then, can I glory in leaving? No matter where I go, there will never quite be the peace I seek, not for me or others that I love. A brother in Christ named Saeed has been held in a prison in Iraq for almost a year. He's been threatened and beaten and tortured to get him to deny Christ. How, then, can I glory in being comfortable? Not that it's bad to enjoy things but I want to keep a proper perspective. Jesus said, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; "but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

The Lord has been been really speaking to me in this area. One thing this institution has ministered to me is that I still need the Lord to change my heart in a lot of areas! I cannot have righteousness apart from God. I cannot do what he asks apart from his spirit. I need to be in constant fellowship with him, abiding in him (John 15:5).

I have no idea what God has in store for me. I'm thankful to enjoy learning new things and having new opportunities to glorify God where ever I am. 

Ultimate Proof that the Bible is True

Why does anything at all exist?
It may be hard to believe that God exists because he is not seen, but the existence of God, an all powerful, eternal, immaterial creative being, is the best explanation to the existence of anything.

Science comes from the Latin word scientia, meaning 'knowledge.' Science is the method in which we collect and organize knowledge about the universe through observation and experiment. From observation, we know that everything that begins to exist has a cause. If you believe this universe came from nothing, how come we haven't observed anything else come from nothing?

We also know from observation that the universe is expanding and therefore, has a beginning (Thomas Hubble). If the universe consists of all time space and matter, the cause must come from an all powerful, eternal, immaterial being which describes the God of the Bible.

How do we know the Bible is true?
To validate the claim that the Bible is truly the word of God, there must be sure evidence of it. Could God authenticate his message to us? Besides the internal consistency, historical and archeological accuracy, the Bible has fulfilled prophecies that never fail, and codes in the original texts that show beyond a shadow of a doubt that the text is supernaturally inspired:

http://www.palmoni.net/gematria.htm *

It is unique and wonderful that our Christian heritage is the bedrock of western freedom to believe or disbelieve. However, that doesn't mean that the scriptures are only true for those who believe. Truth is true wether you believe it or not. This truth--that there is a God and it is the triune God found in the Bible-- is prophetically, logically, historically and mathematically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. Grasping this truth is so important that your eternal destiny depends on it. God didn't create hell for people, he created it for the devil and his angels. People go to hell for willfully choosing to reject God and his truth.

*Just as a side note, we do not need to understand any bible code to understand the Bible or that it is divinely inspired. There is more than enough evidence in creation to know that there is a God and his word is verified through prophecy. 

surgery, tea and my father's business

Tea has been especially helpful after I had surgery last tuesday. I ended up in the OR a second time on wednesday to insert a #4 fenestrated shiley trach. Initially, they put in a button trach to hold open the stoma while the inside of my trachea could heal without reacting to a plastic tube. Unfortunately, it could not stay in, and I had serious mucous plugs to contend with. Thank God my father stayed to watch and care for me until I stabilized that evening and Dr. Guardiani was close to do damage control. Usually, an intern is on call overnight but has no idea the specifics of your case. My father even had to stop him from reinserting my trach the wrong way! 

Again, Roosevelt Hospital did not have the appropriate catheters to suction me with and my father had to bring some from Beth Abe, as well as cath kits. Bonus of being a quad. The good news is that the upper portion of my wind pipe is open and I can speak. If it continues this way for several weeks as the trachea heals, it's a good sign I can be decannulized!

Back to tea for a sec...right off the bat I know I like raw pu-erh tea better than ripe. I like the astringency and 'greeness' of it. I found the ripe pu-erh less pungent and dynamic than I imagined it would be. 

Today I tried one of the oolong teas I got from Yunan Sourcing: "Imperial Tie Guan Yin of Anxi" Autumn 2012. It smells and tastes wonderfully floral! I was surprised how big the leaves opened up! Definitely a fan. I don't see myself getting too intricate in this tea business. I enjoy tea and will continue to try new ones as I find them but I really need to be about my heavenly father's business. Lately, that has been being ready with an answer for those who oppose even the notion of my heavenly father (1 Peter 3:15). People will bob and weave on the issue of relativism because it's self-refuting and once I point it out, it's embarrassing for them to pursue it. My father pointed out that people really are displaying their hatred of the Gospel when they react the way they do. It's amazing how people avoid critically examining their own beliefs. They can't possibly imagine any other reality besides the one they were taught: that reality is simply what you believe it to be. This notion is absurd and self refuting! I had to learn a bit of philosophy to understand this, which I'm not a fan of, but it is helpful when speaking of the metaphysical. The statement: "what's true for you isn't true for me" is a self refuting statement according to the law of non-contradiction. If the statement were actually true, having it not true for someone else would be impossible! 

Another absurd statement: "You shouldn't judge!" It's funny how secular people will rip scripture out of context when being righteously judged for their sin. Someone recently said this to me, bringing up Matthew 7:1. I explained that Jesus isn't saying that we shouldn't judge at all, in fact, he gives a few examples of how we should judge in the rest of the chapter. Jesus is speaking of judging apart from God's standard. I went further to say, "if you feel I shouldn't judge, why are you judging me? Why judge anyone at all?" She responded by saying she didn't judge me, only thought my ideas were skewed. Having any kind of opinion requires judgement. In fact, our days are filled with judgements as we walk, drive, or decide anything! I asked a few times how she knows right from wrong, where do we get our notion of rights? My generation is the post-modern generation, where we've been taught that morality, our identity and even truth itself is relative. When asking these crucial questions, they squirm and revert to insults. 

The bottom line is there is overwhelming evidence that there is a God who created the universe, who's eternal, omnipotent, omniscient, personal and creative. Only the Bible describes this kind of God and attests for it's accuracy historically, scientifically, archeologically, and textually. Paul is dead on when he reasons that people suppress the truth in unrighteousness (Romans 1:18-21). They refuse to believe because they want to deny God and hold onto their sin (John 3:18-20). 

Unfortunately for them, God exists wether they believe or not and they are accountable to him wether they believe or not. Truth doesn't change with feelings/belief. It's better to follow the truth now then to face eternity in damnation for rejecting it. The body of Christ will not face the great tribulation, but we will probably see some pretty dark days before the rapture. Our economy is failing, and Christian persecution, even in the west, is on the rise! Not to mention possible nuclear war with Iran who really wants to destroy us along with Israel! The Obama administration says it stands with Israel but actions speak louder than words. Israel is still God's land and those who seek to divide it will get burned.