in the hood, in a nursing home

There’s a woman here who’s always placed at the front desk, in her wheelchair. She can move all her limbs to some degree but cannot walk. She constantly cries and reaches out to any staff walking by but cannot verbally communicate what she wants. The most everyone knows is that she wants to go to the dining room to eat but she cannot. She cannot swallow and so, has a feeding tube. Her vocal cords are probably paralyzed which may be why she can’t speak. I’m usually good at communicating with other non-verbal residents, but I’m not sure how much she understands. I mime to her but she doesn’t seem to know how to mime back. I can’t imagine how frustrated she must be and am trying all I can to establish some communication with her. The best I can do so far is sit next to her and hold her hand.

I moved to the fourth floor yesterday and so for it’s been a good choice. The nurses on the seventh floor were awful except for one and he’s only there 2 times a week. I am going to miss the CNAs and the other residents though. I just need better care at night with my trach.

Still no luck finding a doc to give me better odds about getting the trach out. Too risky. Can risk ability to swallow, speak or collapse trach altogether. It’s very depressing but I have to continue day to day and be thankful. I can breath, eat and communicate. It’s just hard with no voice. There’s no zest in my speech, the Nicky trademark. In a way it’s been good. I’m too quick to say what I think and it can be hurtful. Now, it matters less what I say but more how I respond to people. I just always felt that life’s too short not to say what you mean. I still feel that way. Say the good too. Say you’re sorry. Say how much people mean to you. I didn’t think about any of those things while I was slipping off the roof. I said what I had to say. But it takes more strength to just listen. To set aside verbal daggers and serve people because they need it. It’s not easy for me to do! It took being voiceless to learn that and I should be thankful even though it’s frustrating. Anyway, time for more routines-peace.